A Tragedy from the Human perspective'
by LyNn-6t7
Summary: This is Now a collection of Castiel POV one-shots. Starting with the original one-shot: "Not Broken" which is Cas' POV at the end of "The Man who would be king"


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**A/N:This was originally a one shot of Cas' POV at the end of "The man who would be king" but I have decided to make this a small _collection_ Cas stories, taking place throughout the show. There will be no particular order to these stories but I will always give the specific time they take place, including the Season and Episode.**

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_'Parting is all we know of heaven,_

_And all we need of hell.'_

_ -Emily Dickenson_

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**Not Broken**

The only other time I have ever been bound by holy fire it was Lucifer staring back at me through the flames.

This time it was worse, because once my initial shock of confinement receded, something that I can only describe as the beginnings of true panic set in. Which impossible as it seems was something I had not felt when facing the fallen arc angel.

_"__What are you doing?" _

My question had been aimed at Dean, but I found, like with the others, I could not look directly at him for long.

_"__We gotta talk" _

_"__About __what__? Let me go!" _

_"__About __Superman__…and __kryptonite__."_

Whenever Dean speaks I always feel a step behind, as if I'm missing something vital that should be obvious. This time is no different from the countless others I have had and it took me a moment to tie the words into two seemingly insignificant moments: of when I first _heard_ the words and then the first time I _spoke_ them.

When I pulled them together I had just enough time to acknowledge my timing as a mistake when the questions started.

_"__How'd you know what I said?"_

_"__How long have you been watching us?"_

_"__You know who spies on people Cas? __Spies__!" _

_"__Okay just __wait__." _

Denial is a funny thing…I stood there surrounded by holy fire, knowing without a doubt that everything was coming apart…and yet I still scanned through every word that had been spoken and every thought I could pick up…desperately trying to piece together how much of the truth they really knew.

Which means a part of me, even then, believed I still had a way out.

_"__I don't even __know__...__what you _mean_."_

Once again I aimed the statement at Dean, knowing he alone would see the true confusion I was feeling. As soon as my gaze met his though, even before I was done speaking, I had to fight the urge look away.

I realized then—when I allowed myself to truly look at Dean for more than a few seconds—it didn't matter what or how much of the truth they knew…whatever it was…it was enough.

The words _'I can explain'_ were nearly out of my mouth when the questions began again.

_"__What about __this __demon crap hole? How is it so uh…next to__ 'godliness clean' __in here?"_

_"__How __exactly__ did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?"_

The problem, both then and now, was I couldn't explain something I didn't fully understand myself.

So it was in a very human manner that I began to stutter and hesitate...

_"__That is… __hard__… to understand…it's hard to __explain...__"_

The words formed without any conscious thought, because all I knew in that moment was that I wanted _out_. I wanted away from it all… but more than anything I wanted to be gone from that room before Dean spoke again.

I knew he would be the one to ask the direct question, because unlike the others, Dean didn't want reasons or explanations…he simply wanted the truth.

So before he spoke I felt myself sink even lower as began to plead, _"__Just let me __go__… let me out and I can…"_

_But it was too late._

_"__You gotta look at me man."_

And I did. I had no other choice.

_"__You got to level with me and tell me what's going on…"_

I could tell Dean was still clinging to some form of hope and he wouldn't fully believe anything—be they his family's doubts or his own instincts—until he heard the words directly from me.

If I had thought witnessing Dean's loyalty for me while I stood in the background unseen had been hard, it was nothing compared to standing there with no cover or veil to hide behind while I _broke_ that loyalty.

_"__Look me in the eye and tell me you're _not_ working with __Crowley__."_

I couldn't say it though. I knew there could be no more lies…I knew that whatever I said from that point on _had_ to be the truth. But even if I knew the right words, the air I needed to say them was frozen inside my vessels chest…

I could do nothing but stand there, unable to inhale or exhale…unable to look away or disappear.

None of that really mattered though. It seemed that, at least for Dean, no answer was answer enough.

There is a human saying that describes eyes as being _'a doorway to one's soul'._ With Dean I have found it's not so much a doorway as a clear reflective pool…a place I can read and search through as easily as any other humans… but also a place that, at times, could reflect back at me.

So it was easy to see and recognize the exact moment Dean's trust in me broke. It is an image that I know will be difficult, if not impossible, for me to forget.

In that small space of time I was able to see the hurt I had caused and the level of emotion that his eyes rebounded back made me turn away…the air that had been frozen inside my chest finally escaped then, in a shaky breath I had no control over.

_"__Son-ava __bitch__"_

Dean's curse was nothing more than a breathy tremble, but hearing it allowed me to finally voice the words I needed to:

_"__Just let me explain."_

I willed myself to meet his gaze again…just in time to see something I had never witnessed before.

"_You're__ in it with him?"_

Despite all the times Dean has looked at me with suspicion and anger, I understand now that I had never seen true betrayal…at least not against me.

_"__You and __Crowley__…have been going after purgatory __together__?...this __whole__ time?"_

Even when I refused to help get him to Sam the night Lucifer was set free and Dean had uttered the words _'We're done'_ with such finality, I know now that had not been betrayal.

It was anger…confusion, frustration, and even a certain level of pity…but not betrayal.

_"__You have uh?"_

Once again I was unable to focus on one face; my eyes flickered form Dean to Bobby and then back again.

_"__I did it to __protect you__!...I did it to protect __all__ of you." _

I hadn't been lying; I truly wanted to protect them, I _still_ want that...however I wasn't telling the whole truth either.

It _was_ the reason I followed Crowley in the first place but not the full motivation behind all my actions.

_"__Protect us __how__? By opening a hole into _monster_ land?" _

_"__He's right Cas, __one__ drop got through and it was Eve…and you want to break down the __entire dam__!" _

_"__To get the _souls_... __I can _stop_Raphael…"_

At that point my eyes had found Dean again, and whether I meant it to or not my next plea seemed to be only for him.

"…please_you__have__to__trust__me__…"_

_"Trust__ you?"_The anger in Sam's voice had me turning towards him. _"How in the __hell__ are we supposed to __trust _you now_!" _

At the time I couldn't understand why my choice of words had caused such anger in Sam, but I think I know now it wasn't so much that I said the words but that he knew I had directed them at Dean.

Sam's anger then was not from his personal feelings of betrayal, but for his brothers.

I hadn't intentionally meant to hurt anyone though and despite all the lies and cover ups I was still…_me_…still _Cas_…

_"__I'm still me." _

My eyes scanned them again, searching for anything… a small glimmer of something that would let me know that they _knew_ I wasn't any different…that they knew I still cared about them…that I still wanted, more than _anything_, for them to be safe.

_"__I'm still your friend."_

I was unable to comprehend why I suddenly had to be a different person in their eyes…it was confusing and… _unbearable_.

Because I _was_ still _me_.

I _am_ still me.

Frustration quickly caught up with me when I still couldn't find any recognition or agreement in their eyes, and before I even thought through the impact my next words would have, I had already spoken them.

_"Sam__…__I'm__ the one who raised you from perdition."_

I could hear every breath in the room catch, muscles tensed and Dean's breathing stopped all together.

"_What?"_ Sam's eyes were wide, focused on me with an intensity that stopped any other form of explanation I may have had.

_"__Well no offense but…you did a pretty __piss-poor job of it!"_

Once again I found myself frozen; trying to catch up with the rapid turn of direction everything had taken. It seemed confessing to the lengths I had gone in my devotion to the brothers had only made things worse. Sam's next words proved that and then some.

"_Wait__…Did you…bring me back…_soulless_ on __purpose__?"_

I knew not the full extent of the damage my secrets were causing—both to myself and my friends—until I heard Sam say those words.

Yes I had lied, I had betrayed trusts and broken unspoken promises…but _leaving_ his soul to be flayed just so it would suit my own purposes…_nothing_ was worth that.

No soul deserved a fate like that…especially not the soul of one my friends…

_"__How could you think that?" _

My vessels reaction to the sudden shift of emotion was strange…I felt chest muscles constrict and I could feel a dull pain building in my throat when I tried to swallow…but more than that I was..._shocked_... I couldn't believe Sam would think I was capable of something that horrendous.

_"__Well I'm thinking a __lot__ of things right now Cas!"_

I was feeling my own form of betrayal then and it took a lot to pull my mind back onto the right path. I looked back to Dean again, not allowing myself to read his expression too closely…I hadn't wanted to see if he believed the same as Sam. I think I knew that was something I wouldn't be able to handle.

_"Listen__…Raphael… will _kill_ us… __all__.!"_I looked at them one at time…trying to enforce my words. I knew if I could get them to understand nothing else I _had_ to make them see the full threat we were all facing_. __"He will turn _the world_into a graveyard!"_

I looked back at Dean…and before I realized what I was doing I had spoken directly to him again.

_"__I had no choice" _

_"__No you __had __a choice...You just made the _wrong_ one."_

I am reluctant to admit how childish my next response sounded, even in my own ears. But in that moment I felt …_petulant_…angry even. I found myself _envying_ Dean…envying his confidence, because his few words held more certainty than anything I had said up to that point.

_"__You don't understand, it's complicated." _

_"__No actually it's not. And you __know that__. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, uh? Unless you __knew__ it was _wrong_." _

And just like that…once again the bare truth was revealed to me by a righteous man… and once again I had to look away from that truth.

_"__When crap like this comes around we __deal__ with it, like we __always have__. What we __don't__ do, is we don't go out and __make another deal with the devil!"_

His words then were just as clear and moral as they had been the day I betrayed heaven…the day I willingly took my first solid step into rebellion and acted on what I believed to be right:

"_This is simple Cas…No more crap about being a good solider…there's a right and there's a wrong here and you know it…_

…._Now you were going to help me once weren't you? You were going to warn me about all this before they dragged you back to bible camp!...Help me __now__, please!"_

"_What would you have me do?"_

"_Get me to Sam; we can stop all this before it's too late!"_

"_I do that, we will all be hunted, we'll all be killed."_

"_If there's anything worth dying for….this is it"_

When the flash of memory left me I felt a heavy weight lift from shoulders.

_"__It sounds so simple when you say it like that." _

But I felt no relief, because in the small breath of silence that followed my quite admission I could feel a powerful emotion rising in me, the likes of which I had never experienced. The feeling was so sudden and paralyzing it took me a moment to identify it for what it truly was: _shame_.

The effort it took to raise my eyes, to look at Dean again, was great. I was afraid to see my shame reflected back at me in the form of his disappointment.

If only things were different… if only I had remembered the faith my friends had in me. If only I had remembered the lengths I had seen Dean go to help the people he cared about.

If only I had remembered I was indeed one of those people….

If only I had kept my faith in _him_….

If only…

Somehow I managed to meet his eyes,

_"__Where were you when I needed to hear it?"_

The question was soft and I suppose a human would call it rhetorical, as I expected no answer.

I was given one though… and once again it was nothing but truth.

_"__I was there. Where were __you__?"_

He was right of course. He _was_ there, and I can clearly see that it was in that moment, as I stood between my friend and my enemy, that I did in fact have a choice… and perhaps when I turned my back on Dean that day I made the wrong one…

And now it's too late.

"_You should have come to us for _help Cas_!"_

I wanted to tell Dean that he was right, that I _knew_…that I recognized my mistake and I should have—at the very least—_acknowledged_ I had a choice.

But at that point it would have been of no value. My decision had already been made and there was no turning back.

So I said the only thing I could,

_"Maybe"_

And then I heard the sound I had been dreading all along…the familiar roar that first sounded inside my head and then picked up around us.

I knew before I even sensed him who was approaching.

_"__It's too late now!"_

The pressure built…I could feel Crowley with dozens more…their individual essences clearing out with every passing second.

"_I can't turn back now. _I can't_" _At that point the words were more imploring than informative because I could tell Dean was still fighting.

When the rushing roar grew louder he moved instinctively towards his brother... his eyes never leaving mine.

"_It's not too late__. __Damnit_ Cas _we can __fix__ this__"_

Affection battled with frustration when I realized he really hadn't given in yet…Dean was still extending his hand to me… leaving the door open for acceptance. But it was too late and I had no time to argue. My frustration quickly won out and the words I threw back were just as fierce as his own,

"Dean_, it's _not_ broken!"_

His face showed immediate disbelief, and I could hear the inner thought that was softly being echoed behind the raging betrayal and hurt inside his mind, the soft whisper of _'You're lying to yourself Cas'_

I shook my head…whether I was denying his thoughts or enforcing my last words I may never know…or perhaps I don't want to know.

Dean took another step in Sam's direction then, reaching out… fingers a breath away from grasping the younger man's jacket sleeve as he prepared himself to either run or fight.

To either run with his family…or fight beside me.

He was still giving me the option.

"_Run__!"_

There were too many, and I was powerless… imprisoned by the friends I had betrayed, while I waited for the enemy I had joined. The enemy, whose voice was suddenly filling my mind…taunting me with the memory of his threats:

'_Please I'm begging you Castiel, just kill the Winchesters'_

'_No!'_

The enemy I did not trust.

'_If you kill them I'll just bring them back again'_

'_No you won't, not where I'll put them, _trust_ me.'_

My eyes quickly scanned the three human faces before me; the fragile gazes of blue, hazel, and green.

I knew they were fully aware of how close the danger was but still they held their ground…refused to take that first step towards safety.

'_You kill my hunters, why can't I kill yours?_

"Run!" I yelled the word again, begging…demanding…

'_The big lie…the Winchesters still buy it…'_

I knew as long as Dean stood undecided, the other two would remain and I needed them to leave…I needed to know that they were safe, that _he_ was safe.

'_The good Cas…the righteous Cas…'_

At that point my time for chances was long gone. It no longer mattered what my friends believed or what I still _wanted __to_ believe…

_'Well,_ _I got news for you kitten….'_

Right or wrong…it was too late.

'_A whore is a whore is whore….'_

"Run_! __You have to run_NOW_!"_

All at once my fear for them overpowered the ringing hum in my blood caused by the approaching demons; pushed away the uncontrollable shame…and even overrode the simple workings of Jimmy Novak's body as my true voice mixed into my next roared command.

"RUN_!" _

And finally…

They did.

Dean moved and the others followed. He made it to the door first, only to stand aside and wait till the other two passed him. It was to be expected, Dean's instinctual need to put his family first had stopped taking me by surprise a long time ago.

What I _didn't_ expect from him however, was more indecision…I didn't expect him to hesitate in following the others…didn't expect him to turn away from safety and look back at me…

The atmosphere changed then, once he was the only other presence there.

Time seemed to stop for a moment as I looked into the eyes of a being that was much older than his youthful features allowed…a life that, if compared to the rest of humanity, should be withered and grey.

The being, whose soul burned so bright, it became my own personal beacon as I battled my way through one of the deepest, darkest corners of hell.

The person I had fought for, fallen for, and died for...again and again.

The person whose un-yielding belief in me made all those sacrifices worth it; because once I earned the impossible: Dean Winchester's _full_ trust…I felt _worthy_ of it.

It made me believe anything was possible if I could just return that trust on an equal level.

But I hadn't…I broke that trust in nearly every way possible.

And yet in that moment his eyes were _vulnerable_…hiding nothing…and I could find no accusation in the light green…No anger…No fear.

Just...uncertainty.

Uncertainty in _leaving_ _me_.

'_Damnit Cas we can fix this'_

'_Dean, it's not broken.'_

I wanted him to leave…I wanted him as far away from me as possible when Crowley finally crossed that threshold. But there was more to it than that. I wanted him to leave so he would take my shame with him…I wanted him to leave and take away the still open offer of help I could see in his face…

I just wanted him _gone_.

All at once Dean's hesitancy melted away and I watched as his eyes hardened in the realization my silence had once again gave him.

When the cold acceptance folded over his features, I felt a sharp sense of loss resonate inside me. A loss of something I know without a doubt I had considered vital.

I didn't know what that something was at the time…all I knew was I had overlooked it too long and whether I consciously threw it away or unconsciously let it slip through my fingers…it was gone.

Dean turned away, breaking more than just our eye contact, and headed out into the night.

I just stood there and waited…hoping he would get the others and himself to safety.

It wasn't until many hours later…in the early stirs of morning…that Dean finally identified that nameless something for me:

"_I'm saying_don't_…just _cause_…..I'm __asking__ you _NOT_ too! __That's it!"_

_"__I don't understand…I…."_

And I didn't. I couldn't understand why he was still trying so hard…why he couldn't accept that it was too late.

_"__Look…next to Sam, You and Bobby are the closest things I have to family__…__that you are like a __brother__ to me… "_

Brother.

The something I had been overlooking would have been easy to see if I had just slowed down long enough to focus.

To Dean, family went beyond blood and biology... if he graced you with the title of 'family' it was a permanent thing.

And it was with this new knowledge that everything slowly started to make sense…

To Bobby and Sam I was a friend.

To Dean I was family.

That's why he tried so hard to pull me away from a path I was already too far down…why he hesitated before leaving me behind…why he refused to give up.

With Dean Winchester family was a bond that could only be broken by the other end.

_"…__So when I ask you __not__ to do something…you gotta trust me man."_

I was that other end and I had already—unconsciously—torn it.

Dean was right when he said I had a choice. He may even be right in saying I made the wrong one. Perhaps I should have swallowed my pride, along with my urge to protect him, and revealed myself that cold autumn day to ask for help.

But there were two key points he still had wrong…and I knew it was time he realized that.

So it was slowly, with a confidence I couldn't seem to feel, that I met his gaze one last time and made things clear with two simple words:

_"__Or what?" _

First: It _was_ too late.

_"__Or I'll have to do what I have to do to stop you"_

And second: I was not lying to myself...It truly i_sn't_ broken.

_"__You can't Dean…" _

…nor is it shattered…

"…_.you're just a man…I'm an angel."_

…or crushed…

"_I don't know…I've taken some pretty big fish." _

It was just _gone_.

"_I'm sorry Dean"_

All that is left is for him to acknowledge the fact that you can't fix what's no longer there.

'_So…that's everything. I believe it's what you would call a…__tragedy__… from the human perspective…._

_But maybe the human perspective is limited…I don't know._

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><p><strong><em>AN: Leave a review and let me know what you think. If you have a personal Cas POV request let me know and I'll give it a go. ;)<em>**


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